It's Me

March 26, 2015 I decided to start up my blog again and realized I had a lot of posts that never got published.  In looking over these drafts, I see that maybe at times I was afraid of putting my thoughts out there, some were unfinished, and some about personal struggles.

But my Father is calling me to honesty and to the person He is creating me to be.  So all the old post are published today with the original date that I wrote them.  May someone be encouraged and helped along the way in their own journey with Jesus!

April 9, 2014

So much happened in February.  It was a bittersweet time.  But God tells us there is a time for everything.  I wrote this shortly after Susannah went back to Colorado.  

February 20, 2014

She came home and it was like she never left.

She smiled, and talked and I recognized it all.

The hugs were passed out, over and over again

We shared meals, the tuna fish and blueberry muffins,

homemade macaroni and cheese and scotcheroos.

I didn't want to say goodbye,

I didn't want to let her go.

But she had to leave.

I should have said, “I love you” fifty more times,

no, a hundred; because it's true.

I should have told her how beautiful she is

and how proud I am of her.

I'm so glad she came, even though the

occasion was sad. So often hellos mean we

must say goodbye.

I'm so glad she could meet her youngest niece,

and reconnect with all the others.

I'm so glad that she has this special

place in all our hearts.

You are so precious to me, daughter.

I loved braiding your hair, going out to lunch,

shopping together, seeing you with the kids, laughing

together with your sisters, sitting on the couch and talking.

Thank you for being my Suzy, our Suzy.

I love you.  

February 25, 2013

A paraphrase of Psalm 130

Out of my weakness and weariness

I call you, Lord.

Lord, can you hear me?  

Does my cry for help reach your ears? 

Lord, if you thought about my sins 

there is no way 

I could even talk to you, 

let alone expect you to help me!

But you have forgiven all my sins,

(I John 1:9) 

so that you may be honored and worshiped.  

You not only forgave my sins, 

but you cancelled the written code that I broke. 

(Col. 2:13-14)  

You took it away and nailed it to the cross 

when Jesus poured out his blood 

that washes away all my sin.

I wait for you Lord; 

I want to fall in love with you 

all over again.  

I put my hope in your Word.  

I meet you there, in the pages of your 

love letter to me. 

I put my hope in the life changing power 

of your Word.

I wait expectantly and as surely 

as the sun rises every morning, 

I know I will see you 

working in my life again, 

restoring me with strength and joy--

buying back every moment 

of despair and hurt, 

every day of pain and tears.

Your love is not able to fail!  

Your love is always there 

and is new every morning. 

(Lamentations 3:22-24) 

Your redeeming process is complete.  

It flows over me in abundance.  

I put my hope in you!

Psalm 34 2012

Sometime in 2012
Psalm 34

A journey began quite a few months ago, actually almost two years ago.  I began seeking God.  Tired and worn out, struggling to keep up, overwhelmed and feeling lost, I sought God.  Oh, He'd always been a part of my life but maybe the key word there is "part".

Ps. 34:4 I sought the Lord, and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears.

And He showed up.  I poured out my heart to Him through a Bible Study and His words began to seep into my dry desert.  He lifted up my head, and I started seeing His love again.  Finished that study and started another.  Here, He directed me to start meeting with a couple of friends to join me on my journey.  I remember the day I said to them, "I feel like I'm falling in love with Jesus all over again."  They were called alongside to encourage and introduce me to the Holy Spirit.  

Ps. 34:8 Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him.

Oh, He is good!  Blessings poured over me.  There was joy instead of emptiness and peace instead of frustration.  He filled me with His Spirit and I saw things I had never seen before.  As the journey into the heart of God continued, He brought my husband along and filled him with His Spirit, too.  

Ps. 34: 11-12  Come, my children, listen to me; and I will teach you the fear of the Lord.  Whoever of you loves life and desires to see many good days, keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking lies. Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it.

As I journeyed with God, He began revealing my heart to me and the sin that was residing there.  First He showed me my fear and began to deliver me from it as I repented and turned to Him.  He healed my heart concerning the fear that surrounded the death of our stillborn son, Zebulun.  He healed the rejection in my heart from my childhood as I repented of my pride and of seeking man's approval.  He showed me people I needed to forgive and walked me through the process of continually seeking His heart for healing of past offenses and wounds.  The Ladies Bible Study I joined worked through another Bible Study that taught me how to renew my mind and take every thought captive.  More fears were revealed, repented of and healed. I gave up control of my children, surrendering them to Him and trusting Him with the outcome. 

It would take too long to write out the story of each one of the fears, lies and wounds He delivered me from as I repented of my sin.  Yet each time I faced a fear in my life, as the Holy Spirit moved, I felt a lump in my throat.  As I repented and released each sin to Him, the lump would diminish.  Yet I always knew that we were not done.  Each time it got easier to repent and release the fear to Him. Each time I thought I might be done with fear.

Ps. 34:17  The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; He delivers them from all their troubles.

Clueless

2009
Last night Cynthia, Noah and I decided to play a game of Clue. I decided I wouldn't try too hard to win so that Noah would have a chance. After a few turns around, I realized that something was not quite right. Maybe there were cards missing? Noah had mentioned at the beginning that one thing he didn't like about Clue was how many cards you had to hold, yet each of us only had 5 or 6 cards in our hands. We counted up the rooms, the people and the weapons and realized that there were cards missing! We hunted around in the Game Closet and sure enough, we found the envelope that is the "confidential case file" and in it were three cards (obviously left over from the last time the game was played). We passed out one card to each of us (without looking!) and decided to go on with the game. After a few more turns, something still didn't seem right. According to my Clue sheet, all the people were accounted for. Who could have committed the crime if we all had them in our hands? Cynthia began saying "something didn't seem right". Then I realized that maybe Nathan hadn't put the right cards in the middle of the board when we started our game. So we asked Nathan to look at the cards for us. Sheepishly he told us that he had put 3 weapons in the middle instead of one person, one weapon and one room. Ah...how had we missed the clues?! What a laugh!

Life is often clueless. Just when you think you have something all figured out, the rules change. Your granddaughter comes home from the research program at NIH in Maryland and has her worst episode ever. You realize that the time has come that you have been dreading forever, the day she must be admitted to the local psychiatric hospital. She goes to the emergency room and after five hours she is sent back home again because there is no bed for a girl child in a psychiatric hospital in the state of Maine. Who changed the rules? How can she be in the throes of bipolar mixed-state and there be no safe place for her? How much longer can she and her family hold on? Are we on a Clue board, running from the Kitchen to the Study to the Ballroom in a crazy, mixed up race to end up nowhere?

And then you find the secret passageway through the back door into the Acadia Hospital. You (as the parent) call the Access Center at the hospital and ask for an evaluation for your child to be admitted to their Day Program. It probably doesn't hurt that her psychiatrist called ahead the day before, but who knows in this Clueless game where their are no set rules. You take your child to the appointment, screaming almost all the way in, and bring her grandmother with you for help and moral support. It also helps that she can drive the car while you tend to the upset child. After all the twists and turns, she ends up admitted to the hospital and not the Day Program.

Our Cluless Clue game ended up being pretty fun--and funny! It didn't turn out the way we expected but we laughed a lot and had a good time. Acadia's hospital admission didn't go the way we planned, but she ended up in a safe place when she needed to be there.

The Battle written January 4, 2009

January 4, 2009

It never ends. It doesn't get easier, no, but seemingly harder. Maybe I am wiser because of the passing of time and the experiences of life, but the struggle seems to intensify. The enemy of my soul is certainly like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour in my own home.
I pray. At times my prayers get shorter and shorter, just simple requests. "Rescue her. Open her eyes. Rescue him. Keep him from evil."
I no longer have the confidence that I know what's right for my children. I realize they must choose their own way, and ultimately decide if following Jesus is worth the sacrifice. But oh how my heart breaks and everything within me wants things to work out for them.
The enemy knows when to strike. When my husband is tired and not himself. When life is busy. When I am struggling with my own depression and that of my son's. When there seems to be no place to turn for help and encouragement. When I am stressed and burnt out.
I turn to my God, my Savior. When some of Jesus' disciples were leaving him because of his teaching, he asked the twelve if they also wanted to leave? And Peter replied, "To whom shall we go?"
There is no one else. There is no other who understands me and the struggles I face. There is no other battle worth fighting. I have chosen whom I serve and as a family we have chosen to serve the true and living God. Now I need to remember the Lord's words to Joshua..."Be strong and of a good courage."


Hard to believe I wrote that back in April. Here it is almost October and it seems that the struggle hasn't changed. Circumstances have changed: we put Nathan in public school. He seems to be adapting well and enjoying it. I have had bronchitis for two weeks and still not feeling all that great. Is it depression? How do I know? Why do I feel like I belong nowhere? Like every little decision is overwhelming? I no longer even know what I want.

We also have left Stetson Union Church. I thought that would bring me a lot of freedom but I feel like I've jumped off a cliff and am still falling. Where will I land? Why, if the body of Christ is really one body, does it feel so strange to be in another church?