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Thursday, March 26, 2015

The Battle written January 4, 2009

January 4, 2009

It never ends. It doesn't get easier, no, but seemingly harder. Maybe I am wiser because of the passing of time and the experiences of life, but the struggle seems to intensify. The enemy of my soul is certainly like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour in my own home.
I pray. At times my prayers get shorter and shorter, just simple requests. "Rescue her. Open her eyes. Rescue him. Keep him from evil."
I no longer have the confidence that I know what's right for my children. I realize they must choose their own way, and ultimately decide if following Jesus is worth the sacrifice. But oh how my heart breaks and everything within me wants things to work out for them.
The enemy knows when to strike. When my husband is tired and not himself. When life is busy. When I am struggling with my own depression and that of my son's. When there seems to be no place to turn for help and encouragement. When I am stressed and burnt out.
I turn to my God, my Savior. When some of Jesus' disciples were leaving him because of his teaching, he asked the twelve if they also wanted to leave? And Peter replied, "To whom shall we go?"
There is no one else. There is no other who understands me and the struggles I face. There is no other battle worth fighting. I have chosen whom I serve and as a family we have chosen to serve the true and living God. Now I need to remember the Lord's words to Joshua..."Be strong and of a good courage."

Hard to believe I wrote that back in April. Here it is almost October and it seems that the struggle hasn't changed. Circumstances have changed: we put Nathan in public school. He seems to be adapting well and enjoying it. I have had bronchitis for two weeks and still not feeling all that great. Is it depression? How do I know? Why do I feel like I belong nowhere? Like every little decision is overwhelming? I no longer even know what I want.

We also have left Stetson Union Church. I thought that would bring me a lot of freedom but I feel like I've jumped off a cliff and am still falling. Where will I land? Why, if the body of Christ is really one body, does it feel so strange to be in another church?
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