Coming home from Encounter also means coming under attack.  The enemy does not want us to walk in the freedom we have acquired and will tempt us and pull out all the stops to get us to walk in bondage again.

For me this week it has been headaches, depression, resentment building up in me, and a desire to quit.  I have been spending time with the Lord.  I have been praising Him, listening to praise music and putting on the "armor" before getting out of bed.  But I am still struggling.

But I've also been hiding.  Oh, I asked some ladies to pray for me, and they did.  But I haven't shared what I am struggling with.  So tonight I will pray with my husband.  I will let him know what I'm struggling with--even though part of it is that I don't really know!

Why am I so afraid to let others know that I struggle?  Like the talk I gave on Peter, I fail to live and walk in my new identity.  Under pressure, under attack

Just home from another wonderful Encounter Weekend with a bunch of wonderful women.  God worked in mighty ways!  Made new friends and shared with old ones, too.

I wanted to post the testimony I gave on Friday night at Encounter. Someone asked for part of it, but I think God wants me to share the whole thing.  I am an overcomer, and God's Word says that I overcome by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of my testimony.  Rev. 12:11

April 14, 2015

Psa. 80:7 Restore us, O God Almighty; make your face shine upon us, that we may be saved.

About four years ago I was burned out, worn out, weary, depressed, depleted and struggling in so many ways. I cried out to God. We were in a new church fellowship and every Sunday they had prayer time during the service where you could pray aloud (or silently) while the Praise Team sang a song; and every Sunday I cried out to God with tears. God and I communing, often without words.

I started a Bible study on my own with Beth Moore's book on the Psalms of Ascents and poured out my pain and emptiness to God and the healing began. I was scared to get my hopes up, scared of failing God—again. After all, I'd been a Christian almost all my life, a church leader—wasn't I the one who was supposed to have all the answers? But I came to God knowing that there was no other place to go. There had to be more answers than the ones I already knew. So I came expecting God to meet me somehow, to show me what was wrong. The more I kept meeting with God, the hungrier I got for His Word. I also began meeting regularly with a couple of friends who loved the Lord.

And then God gave me this dream of a couple of old hags refusing to get out of a room that I am renting. So I negotiate a price with them that they will pay me to stay there. But I don't really want them to stay so I find the landlady. She has some financial records of rent I have paid but there are missing entries and she doesn't have any answers for me. I tell her there must be more records and she points to a pile of papers. When I look through the papers, I find a lot of family mementos and pictures. Then I look up and the landlady is coming down the hallway holding her arm in great pain, a look of grief on her face. And I am surprised that the landlady is actually one of my friends that I have been meeting with.

God showed me that those two hags were fear and pride. Two sins in my life that were grieving the Holy Spirit. I had been working on fear—memorizing verses and renewing my mind with God's truth about His perfect love casting out fear. But pride? I would have to work on that one. I was raised to be proud, I had things to be proud of. But I wasn't too proud, or was I?

At the same time, I began seeking the baptism of the Holy Spirit. I had been raised to believe that the charismatic gifts of the Spirit were not for today, especially speaking in tongues. It never made much sense to me, but when everyone you look up to, every pastor you've known tells you it is wrong, you accept it as wrong. I didn't necessarily think it was wrong for everybody, but it couldn't be something God had for me or He would have given it to me, right? I had good friends who spoke in tongues but no one in my family ever had. Yet I wanted more of God. I was empty. I wanted the power to actually live the Christian life. So I kept seeking, searching scripture and reading books on the Holy Spirit. And God was opening my eyes to the pride in my life.

I began memorizing verses on pride, like Prov. 11:2,  "When pride comes, then comes disgrace; but with humility comes wisdom."  Or Ps. 10:4,  "In his pride the wicked does not seek Him; in all his thoughts there is no room for God."  Or Prov. 8:13,   "To fear the Lord is to hate evil. I hate pride and arrogance, evil behavior and perverse speech."  I began to see how God views pride: He hates it, it is evil and disgraceful. Then one day I read this poem by Beth Moore on pride:

My name is Pride. I am a cheater.
I cheat you of your God-given destiny…
because you demand your own way.
I cheat you of contentment…
because you “deserve better than this.”
I cheat you of knowledge…
because you already know it all.
I cheat you of healing…
because you are too full of you to forgive.
I cheat you of holiness…
because you refuse to admit when you are wrong.
I cheat you of vision…
because you’d rather look in the mirror than out a window.
I cheat you of genuine friendship…
because nobody’s going to know the real you.
I cheat you of love…
because real romance demands sacrifice.
I cheat you of greatness in heaven…
because you refuse to wash another’s feet on earth.
I cheat you of God’s glory…
because I convinced you to seek your own.
My name is Pride. I am a cheater.
You like me because you think I’m always looking out for you.
Untrue.
I’m looking to make a fool of you.
God has so much for you, I admit, but don’t worry…
If you stick with me you’ll never know.

That was me. God was breaking down my walls, my strongholds, my prejudices. Finally the day came when I decided I was ready. I had grieved over the sin in my life and repented as best I knew how. I had forgiven people. I had no idea what God was going to do, but I was ready to ask for His Holy Spirit to fill me. So I prayed with my friends and they prayed over me and I asked God to come and fill me and He did! I had such a sensation of joy in my heart! I humbled myself to speak out loud the “silly” word that came into my head and received the gift of tongues.

And that was just the beginning. There is so much I could tell you about my journey. God has broken me over and over again at the sin in my life, but each time He has brought healing to my soul. He healed me of deep, hidden grief over the death of our stillborn baby, Zebulun. He healed me of a spirit of rejection, of being fearful, of pride, of idolatry, and more. He is still healing me!

I wrote this in my journal on Jan. 28, 2013....

Lord Jesus, I kneel at your feel.  I humble myself before you, head bowed, not daring to lift my face.  I am no longer prideful, but pride threatens to try to worm its way back into my life.  I am no longer fearful, but yet not as bold as I should be.  

Before you filled me with your Holy Spirit, I thought the core of my life was to be righteous, yet I was still serving myself, opposed to You in my prideful way.
I was fearful of the rejection and wounds of man and built up walls of silence around myself.  I knew only a little of your grace and mercy and forgiveness.  I worked and worked to please You and everyone around me, but I was really working to please myself.  I never showed my true heart to anyone.  I couldn't look upon my own heart, afraid to see that I was unclean, scarred by the leprosy of my fear and pride.
Slowly, gently, lovingly, as I sought Your face and the light of Your glory, You revealed Yourself to me.  And as I saw You in your mercy and love, You began revealing my heart to me.  I came to that moment--actually several moments--when I confessed and repented of my pride.  Then you delivered me from all my fears.  Oh that glorious vision of removing Zebulun from his "grave-box" at your prompting and holding him and feeling the warmth of his little body.
But again, Lord, I am prompted by your Holy Spirit as I read the encounter of Simon the leper in the novel, "Second Touch" by Bodie Thoene.  I weep as I echo his words as he comes to Jesus.

     "This is my true heart: I am a leper!  Inside and out, I am unclean.
      There is nowhere else for me to go,"  Simon concluded simply.  "I..
      I need to be forgive.  Oh, Lord!  Clean the inside of the cup as well
      as the outside!  You can heal me if you want to!" 

 And then the Yeshua's words:  "I want to."  As I study your Word about healing and as I ask for healing for my arm, my headaches, my gut, I realize that what I really want is for your Word to heal my insides.  Take the leprosy out of my heart--all of it.  Continue to reveal my heart to me that I might purify myself.  Show me how to change the thoughts and intents of my heart.  Renew a right spirit within me.
I could never than you enough for the punishment you suffered for me.  I will never fully know the depths of your love for me to take my sin upon yourself, to carve my name on your palm.  I accept your righteousness, your forgiveness, your love and mercy and grace.  I welcome your Holy Spirit in my life.  May He dwell in me richly and bring the very fullness of your life into mine, until I am fully hidden in Christ.

God heals. He restores. He longs to show you who you really are in Him. He longs for you. You are the pearl of great price that He was willing to give all that He had to buy you back—to buy me back.

It's Me

March 26, 2015 I decided to start up my blog again and realized I had a lot of posts that never got published.  In looking over these drafts, I see that maybe at times I was afraid of putting my thoughts out there, some were unfinished, and some about personal struggles.

But my Father is calling me to honesty and to the person He is creating me to be.  So all the old post are published today with the original date that I wrote them.  May someone be encouraged and helped along the way in their own journey with Jesus!

April 9, 2014

So much happened in February.  It was a bittersweet time.  But God tells us there is a time for everything.  I wrote this shortly after Susannah went back to Colorado.  

February 20, 2014

She came home and it was like she never left.

She smiled, and talked and I recognized it all.

The hugs were passed out, over and over again

We shared meals, the tuna fish and blueberry muffins,

homemade macaroni and cheese and scotcheroos.

I didn't want to say goodbye,

I didn't want to let her go.

But she had to leave.

I should have said, “I love you” fifty more times,

no, a hundred; because it's true.

I should have told her how beautiful she is

and how proud I am of her.

I'm so glad she came, even though the

occasion was sad. So often hellos mean we

must say goodbye.

I'm so glad she could meet her youngest niece,

and reconnect with all the others.

I'm so glad that she has this special

place in all our hearts.

You are so precious to me, daughter.

I loved braiding your hair, going out to lunch,

shopping together, seeing you with the kids, laughing

together with your sisters, sitting on the couch and talking.

Thank you for being my Suzy, our Suzy.

I love you.  

February 25, 2013

A paraphrase of Psalm 130

Out of my weakness and weariness

I call you, Lord.

Lord, can you hear me?  

Does my cry for help reach your ears? 

Lord, if you thought about my sins 

there is no way 

I could even talk to you, 

let alone expect you to help me!

But you have forgiven all my sins,

(I John 1:9) 

so that you may be honored and worshiped.  

You not only forgave my sins, 

but you cancelled the written code that I broke. 

(Col. 2:13-14)  

You took it away and nailed it to the cross 

when Jesus poured out his blood 

that washes away all my sin.

I wait for you Lord; 

I want to fall in love with you 

all over again.  

I put my hope in your Word.  

I meet you there, in the pages of your 

love letter to me. 

I put my hope in the life changing power 

of your Word.

I wait expectantly and as surely 

as the sun rises every morning, 

I know I will see you 

working in my life again, 

restoring me with strength and joy--

buying back every moment 

of despair and hurt, 

every day of pain and tears.

Your love is not able to fail!  

Your love is always there 

and is new every morning. 

(Lamentations 3:22-24) 

Your redeeming process is complete.  

It flows over me in abundance.  

I put my hope in you!

Psalm 34 2012

Sometime in 2012
Psalm 34

A journey began quite a few months ago, actually almost two years ago.  I began seeking God.  Tired and worn out, struggling to keep up, overwhelmed and feeling lost, I sought God.  Oh, He'd always been a part of my life but maybe the key word there is "part".

Ps. 34:4 I sought the Lord, and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears.

And He showed up.  I poured out my heart to Him through a Bible Study and His words began to seep into my dry desert.  He lifted up my head, and I started seeing His love again.  Finished that study and started another.  Here, He directed me to start meeting with a couple of friends to join me on my journey.  I remember the day I said to them, "I feel like I'm falling in love with Jesus all over again."  They were called alongside to encourage and introduce me to the Holy Spirit.  

Ps. 34:8 Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him.

Oh, He is good!  Blessings poured over me.  There was joy instead of emptiness and peace instead of frustration.  He filled me with His Spirit and I saw things I had never seen before.  As the journey into the heart of God continued, He brought my husband along and filled him with His Spirit, too.  

Ps. 34: 11-12  Come, my children, listen to me; and I will teach you the fear of the Lord.  Whoever of you loves life and desires to see many good days, keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking lies. Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it.

As I journeyed with God, He began revealing my heart to me and the sin that was residing there.  First He showed me my fear and began to deliver me from it as I repented and turned to Him.  He healed my heart concerning the fear that surrounded the death of our stillborn son, Zebulun.  He healed the rejection in my heart from my childhood as I repented of my pride and of seeking man's approval.  He showed me people I needed to forgive and walked me through the process of continually seeking His heart for healing of past offenses and wounds.  The Ladies Bible Study I joined worked through another Bible Study that taught me how to renew my mind and take every thought captive.  More fears were revealed, repented of and healed. I gave up control of my children, surrendering them to Him and trusting Him with the outcome. 

It would take too long to write out the story of each one of the fears, lies and wounds He delivered me from as I repented of my sin.  Yet each time I faced a fear in my life, as the Holy Spirit moved, I felt a lump in my throat.  As I repented and released each sin to Him, the lump would diminish.  Yet I always knew that we were not done.  Each time it got easier to repent and release the fear to Him. Each time I thought I might be done with fear.

Ps. 34:17  The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; He delivers them from all their troubles.

Clueless

2009
Last night Cynthia, Noah and I decided to play a game of Clue. I decided I wouldn't try too hard to win so that Noah would have a chance. After a few turns around, I realized that something was not quite right. Maybe there were cards missing? Noah had mentioned at the beginning that one thing he didn't like about Clue was how many cards you had to hold, yet each of us only had 5 or 6 cards in our hands. We counted up the rooms, the people and the weapons and realized that there were cards missing! We hunted around in the Game Closet and sure enough, we found the envelope that is the "confidential case file" and in it were three cards (obviously left over from the last time the game was played). We passed out one card to each of us (without looking!) and decided to go on with the game. After a few more turns, something still didn't seem right. According to my Clue sheet, all the people were accounted for. Who could have committed the crime if we all had them in our hands? Cynthia began saying "something didn't seem right". Then I realized that maybe Nathan hadn't put the right cards in the middle of the board when we started our game. So we asked Nathan to look at the cards for us. Sheepishly he told us that he had put 3 weapons in the middle instead of one person, one weapon and one room. Ah...how had we missed the clues?! What a laugh!

Life is often clueless. Just when you think you have something all figured out, the rules change. Your granddaughter comes home from the research program at NIH in Maryland and has her worst episode ever. You realize that the time has come that you have been dreading forever, the day she must be admitted to the local psychiatric hospital. She goes to the emergency room and after five hours she is sent back home again because there is no bed for a girl child in a psychiatric hospital in the state of Maine. Who changed the rules? How can she be in the throes of bipolar mixed-state and there be no safe place for her? How much longer can she and her family hold on? Are we on a Clue board, running from the Kitchen to the Study to the Ballroom in a crazy, mixed up race to end up nowhere?

And then you find the secret passageway through the back door into the Acadia Hospital. You (as the parent) call the Access Center at the hospital and ask for an evaluation for your child to be admitted to their Day Program. It probably doesn't hurt that her psychiatrist called ahead the day before, but who knows in this Clueless game where their are no set rules. You take your child to the appointment, screaming almost all the way in, and bring her grandmother with you for help and moral support. It also helps that she can drive the car while you tend to the upset child. After all the twists and turns, she ends up admitted to the hospital and not the Day Program.

Our Cluless Clue game ended up being pretty fun--and funny! It didn't turn out the way we expected but we laughed a lot and had a good time. Acadia's hospital admission didn't go the way we planned, but she ended up in a safe place when she needed to be there.