A Piece of the Puzzle

Sometimes life forces you to accept hard things and make difficult decisions. I have been batting around the words "mental illness" since 2004 when Anna was admitted to the psychiatric hospital. I thought I understood what it meant and I accepted the fact that my granddaughter, Acadia, was bipolar. I agonized with my cousin as she went through months and months of darkness and depression. I watched my own son suffer from anxiety and have to be put on medication. But this week has taken me to a new level.

Acadia (9) took a turn for the worse this week. Her mom has written about the turmoil they have been living through on her blog. I am realizing that accepting that Acadia is bipolar means recognizing when she needs hospitalization. We don't hesitate to hospitalize a child who is in a diabetic coma, or has leukemia and needs treatment, or has epilepsy and needs testing. Why do we treat a mentally ill child any differently? Why do we think her mother can take care of all her needs when she feels like killing herself and thinks there are bombs in her house? Why do we think this is the worst thing that could happen to a child?

I think I know why. It is because we don't understand it. If a child has a known disease a doctor can treat her with all available drugs and treatments. But how do we diagnose a disease that affects a child's thoughts, moods, emotions, and self-control? How do we get this child to tell us what is going on in her mind when she is no longer sure what is real and what isn't. And then how do we treat it?

Well, bipolar in children is now a known disease. There are drugs and treatments. There are times when these drugs and treatments must be administered in a hospital. Will it be a perfect solution? No. Does every child with leukemia go into remission? No. Do treatments help 100% all the time? Of course not. Will we stop treating children with these childhood diseases? Absolutely not!


I am beginning to understand the child with mental illness, but only just beginning. I am willing to do whatever it takes to help Acadia. I am willing to see her admitted to the pysch hospital. I am not ashamed of it or of her. I don't see it as a failure on her parents part. I don't view it as our last resort. I see it as the next piece of the puzzle. I accept it as good, safe treatment for Acadia. I believe that God, in his grace, is allowing this for a season. I believe He will take care of her there. I believe good things will come of all this. Do I understand it? No. Do I cry? Yes-when I see the heartache in my daughter's face because she can't answer her baby's questions. Tears come when I pray and the heartache seems overwhelming and the puzzle is still there.

Be Strong

It is the beginning of the new year and my granddaughter Acadia is home from the hospital following a long, two month stay. I wish I could say that she is better, or that they found the cause of all her problems, but of course they did not. I find myself struggling with discouragement and sadness and my mind full of questions. These emotions beg to be settled with words on paper. Writing has always been my therapy, my way of understanding what is really important to me, of holding on to whatever that is, and clinging to it when the emotions have passed.

In reading Boyhood and Beyond by Bob Schultz (a gem of a book!) aloud to my boys, I came across this poem. It seems to be my call for the New Year and what lies ahead.

Be Strong!
We are not here to play, to dream, to drift;
We have hard work to do, and loads to lift;
Shun not the struggle--face it; 'tis God's gift.

Be Strong!
Say not, "The days are evil. Who's to blame?"
And fold the hands and acquiesce--oh shame!
Stand up, speak out, and bravely, in God's name.

Be Strong!
It matters not how deep entrenched the wrong,
How hard the battle goes, the day how long;
Faint not--fight on! Tomorrow comes the song.
-Maltbie Davenport Babcock

And then in reading Home to Holly Springs by Jan Karon (another gem!), she quoted the English clergyman Jeremy Taylor:

"Nothing is intolerable that is necessary. Now God has bound thy trouble upon thee, with a design to try thee, and with purposes to reward and crown thee. These cords thou canst not break; and therefore lie thou down gently, and suffer the hand of God to do what He pleases."

It is hard to still see Acadia struggling. If we knew that "this" or "that" was the answer, that working on "this" would finally bring results, it would be easier. But there are no easy answers. I watch her and I feel so helpless. I pray and cry and hope and the only answer God gives is to be thankful.

So I am praying that way for her now, "Lord, thank you for the gift of Acadia. Thank you for having her here this morning. Thank you that she could do her math, even though the handwriting page sent her into a tailspin. Thank you for her mother who calmly handles her, who loves her sacrificially and carries on. Thank you for what you are doing in her life even when I can't see any progress. Thank you that all your promises are true, even for Acadia. Help me to claim those promises for her. Help me to be a light for her in her darkness. Help me to be the grandmother she needs. Help me to shun not the struggle of praying for her, but to consider it my gift from You."

Both these poems allude to a day down the road when the song comes, when God rewards and crowns. I pray, knowing that that day lies ahead, and I pray for the day that God brings Acadia to her "place of joy".

Acaida- a place
Abigail-joy

My new grandson

God has graciously blessed us with another grandchild, our first grandson. Evan Miles Decker was born at 5:13 pm on Sunday, December 16, 2007 in the middle of a blizzard. It was a long, hard labor for Bekah with a lot of back pain but she did a truly heroic job pushing that baby out. Bekah is on bed rest for another day, trying to let her body heal after a difficult birth. He didn't want to tuck his head and come out. He apparently loves his hands. His ultrasound picture showed his hands up near his face and that's right where they were at birth, causing trouble! But the midwives managed to stay on top of things and Bekah said she just got mad and pushed him out. The midwives were concerned near the end, wondering if this baby had too big of a head to be pushed out. Considering your options in the middle of a big storm is not fun! I left the room for awhile and knelt down at the couch and began to pray. I hadn't really been praying during the last 25 hours. I knew Kathryn had her church praying for us because she had called me from church that morning (they never cancel services!). I began praying Psalm 23, asking God to bring us to the still waters and the restful place of lying down in the green pastures. I remember asking specifically that the baby be born in the next half an hour. I had thought earlier that morning that surely with the dawn this baby would arrive. But now it was dark again, close to 5:00 pm. I got up and then Jill (one of the midwives) came out and got me and we went back into the bathroom and he was born! "The ways of God are without fault." Psalm 18:30

I was there Sat and Sun and came home on Monday. Went back up yesterday to get in some more baby time and finish the laundry.

Today I will be having withdrawal pains from not being with my grandson, but Kathryn and I are going to paint Acadia's bedroom a lime green and raspberry in hopes that she will be coming home with them after Christmas. They leave on Saturday to go to Maryland and plan on coming home on the 27th. They are trying some new medications and yesterday she had a much better day, so we are hoping and praying that this will be the start of many good days.

Red Sox World Champions

The Red Sox had an awesome year. They were the best team in baseball (both leagues) almost the whole time yet they never took anything for granted. Their longest winning streak was hardly more than 5 games (I didn't look it up). They kept going out every day and playing baseball. They had some setbacks with pitchers and they adjusted. They brought young players up from the minor leagues. Mike Lowell worked hard. Kevin Youkilis worked hard. Dustin Pedroia worked even harder. They wanted to win. Even Manny seemed to be able to do what he needed to do (especially on the field) when he needed to do it.

When it came time for the World Series, Francona realized it wasn't about the super stars, it wasn't about who had played which position all year, and it wasn't about where the money had been spent. It came down to putting together the best team with the players that had the most to offer. Wakefield and Coco sat on the bench. Jacoby Ellsbury played center field and Jon Lester got the start. Pinch hitters and runners were used. I know the MVP had to go to a player, but I think Francona deserved it, too.

The fact that we were playing the Rockies goes to show that baseball is still a game. You can spend billions of dollars and end up with a team that fizzles. That would be the Yankees. You can spend a lot less money and manage a team that can come from behind and win 20 games in a row and make it to the World Series. That would be the Rockies. I give a lot of credit to the Rockies manager. In the end though, I think the team that consistently works the hardest is going to win. It certainly helps to have an ace pitcher or two. It helps to play with the Green Monster. It helps to have a nation on your side. It helps to have won a World Series title recently. And it certainly helps to have a DH who will go out and keep getting hits and getting on base even when he can't hit as many home runs because of knee problems.

It was a lot of fun. We listened to most of the games on the radio because we don't have satellite TV. Sometimes we were out on a date and driving home. Sometimes we were falling asleep as Ortiz hit one over the fence. Sometimes I was doing dishes or getting supper ready. My kids thought I was crazy. Baseball is boring, they say. Maybe. But in a world that is already moving too fast, what's wrong with sitting through 9 innings and having your team win? What's boring about being down a few runs with 2 outs and counting the balls and strikes? And what's more exciting than anticipating your team winning a pennant and going on to win the World Series? Spring is just around the corner!

Why I started this blog...

Lately there have been many emotions stirring in my heart. Some of my daughters are blogging and finding it good for the soul so I am joining them. I have always found it easier to write about what I am feeling then to tell anybody. I can remember dating my husband and sitting next to him in his truck and he would ask me what I was upset about. I wouldn't be able to find the words. I was afraid to speak what was in my heart. So here I will speak. This is me on the inside. I am trying to be better about expressing love and encouragement to others. Unfortunately it seems hardest with those I love deeply. I will begin by addressing those closest to me. It will take awhile as I have eight children, two son-in-laws, a daughter-in-law, and two and 3/4 grandchildren. Writing from my heart brings the emotions to the surface and is in some ways physically draining so this may take awhile.

All the things I never say..

To my husband, my friend, the one who knows me best. I don't often tell you how thankful I am that you are a man of character. A man who shows up early for work and may be the last one to leave. A man who has listened to all the things his father taught him. Who has welcomed my family members into his home without complaining. Who goes beyond what is required of him. Who thinks before he speaks. Who never complains about my headaches and lack of energy but prays for me that I will be able to do the things I want to do.
I don't often thank you for providing me with the life of my dreams. For allowing me to stay home and raise our children. For giving me free reign to homeschool and supporting me in every way. For telling me that I am still beautiful after 31 years of marriage. For calling me "Mrs. Darcy". For taking me out every week (well, almost!). For whisking me away for overnights even when I don't think we can manage it. For loving me.
I cannot imagine what life would be like without you. I think you know that you are my strength. I love you more than even I know. You will always be my knight in shining armour.