The Battle written January 4, 2009

January 4, 2009

It never ends. It doesn't get easier, no, but seemingly harder. Maybe I am wiser because of the passing of time and the experiences of life, but the struggle seems to intensify. The enemy of my soul is certainly like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour in my own home.
I pray. At times my prayers get shorter and shorter, just simple requests. "Rescue her. Open her eyes. Rescue him. Keep him from evil."
I no longer have the confidence that I know what's right for my children. I realize they must choose their own way, and ultimately decide if following Jesus is worth the sacrifice. But oh how my heart breaks and everything within me wants things to work out for them.
The enemy knows when to strike. When my husband is tired and not himself. When life is busy. When I am struggling with my own depression and that of my son's. When there seems to be no place to turn for help and encouragement. When I am stressed and burnt out.
I turn to my God, my Savior. When some of Jesus' disciples were leaving him because of his teaching, he asked the twelve if they also wanted to leave? And Peter replied, "To whom shall we go?"
There is no one else. There is no other who understands me and the struggles I face. There is no other battle worth fighting. I have chosen whom I serve and as a family we have chosen to serve the true and living God. Now I need to remember the Lord's words to Joshua..."Be strong and of a good courage."


Hard to believe I wrote that back in April. Here it is almost October and it seems that the struggle hasn't changed. Circumstances have changed: we put Nathan in public school. He seems to be adapting well and enjoying it. I have had bronchitis for two weeks and still not feeling all that great. Is it depression? How do I know? Why do I feel like I belong nowhere? Like every little decision is overwhelming? I no longer even know what I want.

We also have left Stetson Union Church. I thought that would bring me a lot of freedom but I feel like I've jumped off a cliff and am still falling. Where will I land? Why, if the body of Christ is really one body, does it feel so strange to be in another church?

All the things I never say to my daughter...

I never tell you that my heart is breaking and the tears are welling up in my eyes as I read your blog. Why do I find it so hard to show my emotions? Why do I hesitate to hug you and cry with you when Acadia is having a really bad day? Why do I find it easier to do things?
I am so proud of the mom you have become. For how you have loved Acadia with all your heart, advocated for her through all your research and psychiatric appointments, and struggled with her over everything from taking her meds to brushing her teeth.

I am thankful now for every moment of disagreement we had as you grew up. It made me seek God for wisdom to let you be who you were created to be. It forced me to try to see the world through a different viewpoint (yours!). You were born with a fiercely independent spirit, a gifting of creativity, and a longing for adventure. As I struggled to understand you as my first-born daughter and you struggled to find your path in life, we both were being prepared for the days ahead.

You set your sights on tribal missions in Papua New Guinea. Today finds you living on a back road in Maine struggling with the day to day issues that plague a bipolar child. Yet before Acadia was born God gave you the skills you would need. Homeschooling taught you how to teach yourself and how to use the public library. Bible school taught you how to manage on little and learn whatever new skill was needed, even if it was butchering a cow! And all along the way you learned to listen to the Spirit's voice and trust God's leading.

Now I want to be your biggest supporter. I want to shout to the world, "Look at what my daughter is accomplishing!" People used to urge you to record music. Some suggested you would make a good lawyer. Your talents could take you in many directions that would win you the acclaim of the world. But you and I both know that this child God has put in your arms is more valuable than gold or recognition. So instead of shouting to the world, I pause in my day to whisper another prayer for the safety of my granddaughter and strength for my daughter to guide her through another day.

P.S. The springy cupcake is just for you! Calorie free!!!

Be Strong

It is the beginning of the new year and my granddaughter Acadia is home from the hospital following a long, two month stay. I wish I could say that she is better, or that they found the cause of all her problems, but of course they did not. I find myself struggling with discouragement and sadness and my mind full of questions. These emotions beg to be settled with words on paper. Writing has always been my therapy, my way of understanding what is really important to me, of holding on to whatever that is, and clinging to it when the emotions have passed.

In reading Boyhood and Beyond by Bob Schultz (a gem of a book!) aloud to my boys, I came across this poem. It seems to be my call for the New Year and what lies ahead.

Be Strong!
We are not here to play, to dream, to drift;
We have hard work to do, and loads to lift;
Shun not the struggle--face it; 'tis God's gift.

Be Strong!
Say not, "The days are evil. Who's to blame?"
And fold the hands and acquiesce--oh shame!
Stand up, speak out, and bravely, in God's name.

Be Strong!
It matters not how deep entrenched the wrong,
How hard the battle goes, the day how long;
Faint not--fight on! Tomorrow comes the song.
-Maltbie Davenport Babcock

And then in reading Home to Holly Springs by Jan Karon (another gem!), she quoted the English clergyman Jeremy Taylor:

"Nothing is intolerable that is necessary. Now God has bound thy trouble upon thee, with a design to try thee, and with purposes to reward and crown thee. These cords thou canst not break; and therefore lie thou down gently, and suffer the hand of God to do what He pleases."

It is hard to still see Acadia struggling. If we knew that "this" or "that" was the answer, that working on "this" would finally bring results, it would be easier. But there are no easy answers. I watch her and I feel so helpless. I pray and cry and hope and the only answer God gives is to be thankful.

So I am praying that way for her now, "Lord, thank you for the gift of Acadia. Thank you for having her here this morning. Thank you that she could do her math, even though the handwriting page sent her into a tailspin. Thank you for her mother who calmly handles her, who loves her sacrificially and carries on. Thank you for what you are doing in her life even when I can't see any progress. Thank you that all your promises are true, even for Acadia. Help me to claim those promises for her. Help me to be a light for her in her darkness. Help me to be the grandmother she needs. Help me to shun not the struggle of praying for her, but to consider it my gift from You."

Both these poems allude to a day down the road when the song comes, when God rewards and crowns. I pray, knowing that that day lies ahead, and I pray for the day that God brings Acadia to her "place of joy".

Acaida- a place
Abigail-joy